University Counseling Services
Basic Facts For Parents and Families
The college years can present unique challenges for students
and their parents. Below you will find information about
Understanding the transition to college
Services provided by USM Counseling Services
USM Counseling Services as a resource for parents
Confidentiality and parents
Other helpful resources
Understanding the Transition to College
For your daughter or son, college will likely be a period
of intellectual stimulation and growth, career exploration
and development, increased autonomy, self-exploration and
discovery, and social involvement. During this period, your
young adult may forge new identities or seek to clarify their
values and beliefs. This may require an examination of self,
friends, and family. It may also be a time for exploration
and experimentation, and a period in which your young adult
may question or challenge the values you hold dear. The changes
your young adult may experience can occur quickly, as they
begin to develop new peer relationships, gain competence in
new areas, and learn to manage independence. It is important
to recognize that every young adult will experience his or
her own unique challenges and adjustments, just as every parent
will have different expectations for and reaction to their
young adult’s college experience.
Often overlooked is the fact that the college experience
is a significant transition for the parents of college students,
too. As parents, you may experience feelings of happiness,
excitement, and pride when your young adults leave for college.
At the same time, you may feel a sense of sadness and pain
and have many understandable fears and concerns about your
young adult’s future and well-being. You may worry about
your young adult’s safety and ability to care effectively
for themselves. You may fear “losing” your young
adult as they begin to function more independently and forms
deep attachments with peers. You may be concerned about how
your young adult will deal with alcohol, drugs, and sexual
relationships. You may also wonder how your young adult's
performance in college will reflect on you as the parent.
Here are some ways you might support your young adult:
Although your young adult want and need to become more autonomous
during this period, it is important for them to know you are
still available. Maintaining a supportive relationship
with them can be critical, particularly during their
first year of college. If you and your young adult were not
particularly close prior to their leaving home, it is still
important for you to convey your support. You may be surprised
to find that some space and distance from your young adult
can help improve your relationships with them.
It is important to maintain regular contact with your young
adult, but also to allow space for your young adult
to approach you and set the agenda for some of your
conversations. Let your young adult know that you respect
and support their right to make independent decisions and
that you will serve as an advocate and an advisor when asked.
Finally, recognize that is normal for your young adult to
seek your help one day and reject it the next. Such behavior
can be confusing and exhausting for parents, so make sure
to take care of yourself by talking about your feelings with
your own support system.
Be realistic and specific with your young adult about
financial issues, including what you will and will
not pay for, as well as your expectations for how they will
spend money.
It is also important to be realistic about your young
adult's academic performance, recognizing that not
every straight-A student in high school will be a straight-A
student in college. Help your young adult set reasonable academic
goals; and encourage them to seek academic assistance when
needed.
The fact that your young adult has left home does not necessarily
prevent family problems from arising or continuing. Refrain
from burdening your young adult with problems from home they
have no control over and can do nothing about. Sharing these
problems with your young adult may cause them to worry excessively
and even feel guilty that they are away from home and unable
to help.
Here are some ways you might support yourself:
Recognize that it is normal to have mixed feelings when your
young adult leave home. Feelings of pain and loss often accompany
separation from loved ones. It is also normal to feel a sense
of relief when your young adult leave for college, and to
look forward to some time alone, or with your significant
other, or with your younger children.
Do your best to develop and maintain your own social support.
Do your best to maintain your own sense of well-being. This
may involve eating and sleeping well, exercising, and setting
new and creative goals for yourself. Perhaps this is a good
time to do some of things you put off while your young adult
were growing up—taking on a project or hobby can be
an excellent way to channel your energy and feelings.
Counseling Services provides free, confidential services
for USM students, including individual and group counseling;
walk-in consultations; emergency psychological services; and
psycho-educational outreach programming.
Students seek counseling for a variety of reasons, including
relationship concerns, difficulties with roommates, loneliness,
isolation, emotional difficulties including depression and
anxiety, eating problems, and identity issues. Normally these
problems are relatively temporary and students recover fairly
quickly; however, if the intensity or persistence of any of
the problems makes it hard for your student to function effectively,
or if your student is experiencing suicidal thoughts or feelings,
it is advisable to encourage your student to come to the Counseling
Center right away. It usually works best to allow your son
or daughter to take the initiative in accessing our services—if
you are the one who calls and makes an appointment, your son
or daughter may be less likely to follow through.
USM Counseling Services as a Resource for Parents
Counseling Services provides consultations to parents concerned
about their students. Such consultations can focus on a range
of issues, including how to assist a student experiencing
a difficult situation, how to refer a student to the Center,
or how to locate appropriate mental health treatment for student.
To secure a consultation, call the Counseling Center at (207)
780-4050.
Confidentiality and Parents
Confidentiality is an essential part of any counseling relationship.
The Counseling Center staff adhere to the ethical standards
of their respective professions and to state and federal laws
relating to confidentiality. These standards and laws prevent
us from speaking with concerned parents about their student’s
contact with the Center unless we have the student’s
written permission. Thus, unless your student gives us written
permission, we cannot acknowledge whether your student has
been seen at the Center or is making progress in counseling.
The only exceptions occur when a student is under 17.5 years
of age, when we are concerned that a student is clearly and
imminently suicidal, when we learn of ongoing child abuse,
or when we are ordered to release confidential information
by a court of law.
Many students prefer to keep their counseling completely
private, and such privacy is typically vital for successful
counseling. Assuming your student is, however, willing to
have one of the counselors discuss her or his participation
in counseling with you, one good way to arrange for this is
by asking your student to have the counselor call you during
a counseling session. The counselor will then have your student
complete and sign the necessary form, and may call you using
a “speaker telephone,” so that all concerned can
participate in the conversation. Note that, in general, counseling
is best served if everything parents have to share with their
student’s counselor is also shared with their student.
Even if your student doesn’t give her or his counselor
permission to provide information to you, you may choose to
contact a counselor to share your concerns. Such contact may
make sense, for example, if you are concerned that your student
is in serious danger. Note, however, that the counselor will
not be able to even acknowledge knowing your student, and
that the counselor will want to discuss any information you
provide with your student.
Please contact Dr. Kristine Bertini, director of USM Counseling
Services, if you have any questions about our confidentiality
standards (207-780-4050).
Other Helpful Resources
Books
Don't Tell Me What To Do: Just Send Money, by Helen Johnson
and Christine Schelhas-Miller (2000).
When Your Kid Goes To College: A Parent's Survival Guide,
by Carol Barkin (1999).
Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College
Years, by Karen Levin Coburn & Madge Lawrence Treeger(1997).
Web Sites
College Parents of America http://www.collegeparents.org/
National Resource Center for First-Year Experience and Students
in Transition http://www.sc.edu/fye/index.html
The U.S. Department of Education’s Higher Education
Center for Alcohol and Other Drug Prevention http://www.edc.org/hec/
Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays http://www.pflag.org/
Note: Much of this material was adapted from the Hobart and
William Smith Colleges Counseling Center Web site.
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